Week 2.5 Summary: Miss Misery

We finally received the final pathology report and reviewed it with a potential oncologist this morning. Here's the news. Bad news first, since it's all I can think about right now.

1) I am officially node-positive, which means they did find a section of cancer in my lymph node larger than 2 mm. (So small, but so bad!)
2) They also found a tumor in my breast tissue. Another tiny thing - 1 cm - but it's outside the milk ducts and conveniently nested in lymphovascular tissue [prefix check - that means lymphatic and blood system tissue], making it a perfect launching pad to my lymph nodes and the rest of my body. [Expletives.]
3) This means I'll definitely need another surgery (additional lymph node removal already scheduled for Monday but I was hoping for a miracle) which the nurse helpfully informed me is going to be more painful than the mastectomy and carries a 20% lifetime risk of lmyphadema (meaning my arm will swell with fluid because there are not enough lymph nodes to drain it).
4) This means I'll also definitely need regular chemo, not the chemo-lite I was hoping for. Six rounds starting in mid-March, 3 weeks apart. Bald-head countdown: approximately 50 days. Then maybe radiation. Then five years of Tamoxifen. (Tamoxifen is an estrogen-blocker of sorts. My cancer loves estrogen, so this will cut off its food.)
5) This amount of chemo puts me at a much higher risk (20-40%) of ovary shut-down. Egg-retrieval is not covered by my insurance. Now, I'm not baby-crazy, but, as a good feminist, I like options and I do not like people telling me what I can't do, so this makes me, well, unhappy.
6) No more booze: drinking at all makes my recurrence rate go up (it's currently - pre-chemo and such - 50%). What other coping mechanism is there? I'm already vegan. Jeez.

Good news:
1) My cancer is negative for a certain gene (Her-2/neu) and low in a growth indicator (Ki-67) that are usually found in more aggressive breast cancers.
2) Like I said above, my cancer is estrogen-positive (and very much so - 98% of my cancer cells have estrogen receptors), which means that it will probably respond very well to Tamoxifen. (In my mind - they will shrivel up and die. Take that!)
3) Doing the chemo and the tamoxifen puts my recurrence rate (the chance that cancer will come back) at 12% or less, almost the normal population rate.
4) Regular exercise and a dull, dull no-fun lifestyle (see bad news #6 above, plus no animal fat) will also keep my recurrence rate low and help reduce the side effects of chemo. Did I put this under good news?


So, it's been a bad day. My previous optimism and good humor (and support from friends and loved ones!) braced me for bad news, but, like Sean said, the truck runneth over. I'm emotional and angry about my diagnosis. It's not good or healthy. In short: a lot of self-pity going on over here. Why me? And not someone else, say, from Jersey Shore? I'm spiteful. I'm trying to focus on the good news, but it's hard right now.

Truly though, thank you for all your love and support (and flowers! and vegan dinners! and origami sets!). They help a lot. Someone told me about a friend of theirs who said that his battle with cancer was one of the loneliest times in his life. I can honestly say that I feel completely the opposite. I feel love and supported, especially by Sean, God bless him.

Okay, enough self-pity. Moving on. To those non-vegan desserts Suz's parents sent me. MMmmm. Better news next time, I promise.